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Story of a Sexual Assault Survivor
SM: When you were intimate with someone after the rape, did you ever freak out?
Lindsay: Yeah, multiple times. I was kissing one of my ex-boyfriends and I just pushed him away and started hitting him. That was years ago and it’s something I feel I’ve worked through now, but it’s taken a long time to get to this point.
SM: Do you ever have fits of anger?
Lindsay: I do a lot. Sometimes I’ll get mad and cry and I’m like why the hell did you do this to me? Why do I feel like I’m the only one in here who’s afraid to walk out to my car by myself? Why me, what did I do? I just get so mad.
SM: How do you get through that?
Lindsay: I learned at a very young age that what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger and I know that’s hard to see but it’s so, so true. When I was at Take Back the Night this year I remember thinking “You know what, go to hell because this is me and I’m the captain of this ship and all you’ve done is help me help someone else.” Sure it was a long road and I wasted a lot of money medicating, but what am I going to do sit around and be angry at the world for the rest of my life – it’s not worth it. I hate to see [people] waste so much of their lives living in anger and fear because to me all they’re doing is giving up control of their lives and letting [attackers] win. There’s a line between victim and survivor and now I’ve crossed that line—I am a survivor.
SM: Was there a defining moment when you realized you crossed the line from victim to survivor?
Lindsay: I was 100% sure the last time I saw him. February 2006 I was at a drug store and he grabbed my elbow and I turned around. He stood there and was like “hi” and I was like “I’m sorry I have no idea who you are.” [He said] “Aren’t you Lindsay?” [I said] “Nope sorry I don’t know a Lindsay.” It felt better for me to look at him and say "I’m sorry I have no idea who you are." Whether or not that had any impact on him, for me, it felt like he doesn’t think he’s taken a toll on me, that I’m the captain of this ship. I walked out of the situation and felt like I had won.
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| bella -- ojai | |
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Lindsay, I sincerely admire your courage and strength to persevere and again become the "captain of your ship". Yours is an important story and I thank you and Savvymiss.com for sharing it with all of us. I wish that no one would ever have to think they did something wrong when they were the victim in such a terrible crime. I will be pulling for your continued success and for the success of all the innocent women who have suffered this horrible violation. |
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| o0lilypad0o | |
| My heart goes out to Lindsay and all victims who read this. I was raped while in college as well, only difference being that it was a stranger who attacked me. All what you described, I endured. When I read this article, I cried. I never reported it, and, soon enough, I had isolated myself from the world I thought I knew, became depressed, had panic-attacks, messed around with all sorts of guys, my grades plummeted, took up alcohol and drugs as my coping mechanism, and had wandered away from family and friends who didn't quite get what changed in me but nevertheless wanted to support. Fortunately, my academic counselor recognized my potential, and, while she had no idea what had happened to me, advised that I seek therapy. It took my a long time to trust even my therapist, but ultimately I came out of the experience re-learning how to love my body and re-discover my self-worth. It is a battle, but the time and energy you put into the healing process will aid you immensely in re-connecting to the world. I, too, was terrified at the prospect of reporting the incident because I feared being judged. I encourage any victim of sexual assault to ask for help because you will help yourself recover sooner than you realize. As for me, I have taken part in a campus-sponsored mentoring program for young girls in the community, participate in V-Day productions, and am committed bringing light to this taboo phenomenon. | |
| fun_in_the_sun | |
| Lindsay's story is very inspiring. I wish more people could hear her story because I know of too many girls that don't tell anyone about being raped because they blame themselves. | |
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