SM: Were you haunted by the rape—did you relive it over and over in your head?
Lindsay: I relived it a lot at night. It got to where I wasn’t sleeping and the only time I felt like I got away from it was if I was drinking. I was drinking at least daily unless I was too hung-over. It wasn’t a drink—it was a drink to not know what was going on, to be out of my mind—it was an effort. I took on the attitude like “You know what, the worst that could happen has already happened.” I was abusing my body in every way imaginable—physically being intimate with people, people I didn’t even know very well. You get to a point where you blame yourself, you hate yourself and you’re constantly kicking yourself. You lose so much of yourself initially during a sexual assault that if you continue to blame yourself you’re just going to become a very unhealthy person physically, emotionally, spiritually.

SM: At what point did you realize you needed help?
Lindsay: Two years after the rape I was on my way to class and my attacker was parked outside of the building. I began having a panic attack. The next hour was really hazy, but I was in our school nurse’s office and my advisor said, “You’ve been tired more than you should be and you’re falling behind. You’re not taking care of yourself anymore.” At this time I was dabbling in drugs because I was looking for the next escape. He asked me if I thought I had a drinking problem and if I was doing drugs. I was like “Yes, I think I have a drinking problem.” “Yes, I think I have a drug problem, but right now I think I have a bigger problem. I don’t know what to do with myself.” I was shaking and I couldn’t breathe so I told the nurse “January my freshman year I was raped and I thought I was going to be ok—I’ve made it this far on my own but he won’t leave me alone and he’s parked outside.” She got on the phone with campus security and the next thing I knew people were asking me questions. I didn’t realize how a community like my college would even come together to help me.