your career

How many times a day do you apologize for something? Pay attention to the number of times you say “I’m sorry,” even when there is nothing for you to be sorry about. Women are constantly apologizing. They do it unconsciously. It is as automatic as saying hello and good-bye. Gender communication expert Deborah Tannen describes this phenomenon as a conversational ritual for women. Ritual or not, when you say that you’re sorry all the time, it becomes a form of self-depression. By accepting blame even when you are not at fault, you are giving away your power and jeopardizing your professional image. Men like to deflect blame whenever they can. So when you say that you are sorry, they are more than happy to oblige you and let you take the blame.

“For some reason, I’ve found that women in discussion or in group environments always apologize first. We say, ‘I’m sorry, I might not have understood you.’ Why do we say I’m sorry? Why don’t we just say what we really mean? When I hear myself doing that, I find myself thinking, ‘Now why am I doing this?’ That’s something I think we all need to work on,” says Sarah Hudanich, a former computer company executive.

Many women see apologizing as a way to settle a situation. They believe that if they give in, then the other side will too. But it doesn’t always work that way. There are situations in which you should not be apologizing. Professional coach Beverly Berner says that she tries not to throw it out there anymore. “Now I’m saying it only when I truly am sorry,” she says.

Count the number of times that you apologize in a day. Pay attention to how casually you throw the phrase around. Once you are aware that you are doing it inappropriately, stop yourself before you say it. It is an admirable quality to be forthcoming and accept responsibility for something you’ve done wrong, but it is a character weakness to accept blame for things you didn’t do.

 Excerpted from The Girls' Guide to Power and Success by Susan Wilson Solovic. Copyright © 2001 Susan Wilson Solovic. Published by AMACOM Books, a division of American Management Association, New York, NY. Used with permission. All rights reserved. www.amacombooks.org.