Being a man (or at least the same age as one; “man” to me implies Russell Crowe in Gladiator, something I’m definitely not), I’ve always enjoyed discovering new things about women: Gender-anthropology you could call it.

As a boy, the first thing you learn is that girls “thing-ies” look different. Sadly, many men choose to end their education there. I’ll admit I’m still fascinated by “the difference” myself and have benefited from it in ways that I hardly regret. However, I’m also intrigued that half of the population has an entirely different worldview than me. One area of particular fascination is how women view men and sex.

This week’s lesson: Matt Damon does porn?
There’s a woman in my life, we’ll call her Woman in My Life, 26, who told me she masturbates to a scene in The Bourne Identity. I quickly did a mental run through and came up blank. There wasn’t one scene in the movie about a spy being hunted by the CIA that I could think of that could possibly be used as masturbation material. I was wrong. At the end of the movie, Matt Damon—who is admittedly very hot—approaches Franka Potente (the love interest) and kisses her passionately. In the process of this passionate kiss, Damon places his hands on Ms. Potente’s face in such a way that he, along with the scene, becomes totally hot. Masturbation-hot apparently. But me and my thingy just thought it was the end of the movie.

I watched the scene a couple more times. Each time had the same effect. Absolutely nothing. I thought it was cool, somewhat romantic, but masturbation was the last thing on my mind. The only desire I had was to see the sequel, The Bourne Supremacy.

The more I think about it, the more I laugh. How did we find ourselves in a system where one gender is excited by passion, emotion and strength and the other pays twelve dollars for a hamburger at Hooters because their waitress has nice boobs?