Ladies, hide that dark side of the moon. Having more crack than a drug dealer is not a good thing. You want to keep your grand canyon covered and your love handles under wraps. At all costs, avoid that dreaded skin-bulging-over-the-top look, the “muffin top.”

“If the woman doesn't have the goods in the midriff area, it's not a complimentary look,” says John, 31.

Little dogs.
Okay, this is an easy target but seriously, what’s the deal with carrying around little dogs? “Just walk the dog,” says John, 30. “He has four legs. I’m sure he likes to walk, run and play.”

I thought this trend was only something clueless celebrities did, but I actually have witnessed this fashion atrocity firsthand. Let me tell ya, if I wasn’t too busy laughing, I would have ratted these girls out to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

“Small dogs are obnoxious in general and I would probably regard any woman who walked around with one to be unfriendly, spoiled rich and of overrated attractiveness,” says John, 31.

Chopped hair.
Let John, 31, tell you the gospel truth: “Long hair is a must. Women who cut their hair really short are not as attractive as they could be otherwise.”

It drives me nuts to see how many women, once they get married, chop their hair. It’s bad enough that once we get married you nag us more and have sex with us less, but do you have to cut off all your beautiful hair, too?

Of course, not all guys feel this way. “Different lengths suit different girls,” says Pat, 30. “Short hair looks really good on some girls.”

Pat, I appreciate your opinion, but you’re wrong and obviously under the influence of some sort of hallucinatory drug.

John Crawford is a freelance writer, and a friend to all women, living in Philadelphia.