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How To Go From Booty Call to Girlfriend?

There's this boy (Isn't there always?) that I've been having a special friendship with. Friends with benefits, you might call us. We're all about the after-hours hook up and "there's-nothing-on-TV" Tuesdays. We don't talk about what we have because some things are better undefined. Well, until now. As thrilled as I am about the 2 a.m. phone call, I find myself wishing he would call during the day. And all of a sudden I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, we could occasionally have dinner before getting down and dirty. After months of no strings attached, I want those strings. But now we have a routine - one that I established, no less. Is it possible to go from booty call to girlfriend and, if so, how?

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By Jerusha Stewart, author of The Single Girl’s Manifesta

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By Debbie Appel, writer of 40 Celebrity Weddings and a Funeral

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By Nestor Presas, Psychologist

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By Amy Morton, Los Angeles

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By Murray Mabbott, Melbourne

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Displaying comments 1 to 8 out of 8

uwishtoo

It hardly works that way - you dont go backwards and start a relationship when you have already given away the house so to speak. Move on and find someone that is willing to wait and really get to know you as a person and a friend first. Been there and done that - the funny thing is that I visited my 6 year booty last weekend and he was telling me about a woman he had met that only considered HIM as a booty call and didnt want anything more out of him and the relationship - and I could tell it upset him (we are both in our 50's and I now live 1800 miles away from him) and I jsut looked at him and said hmmm, kind of hurts doesnt it ? He grimaced a little and realized that he has hurt me in the past.

TheNew"Dr.J" -- Atlanta

From booty call to girlfriend huh...Well I can speak from personal experience that it can work; however, you need to be ready to expect the unexpected and have some patience. One thing you have to do is the one thing that you don't want to do, and that is bringing up the topic of you and him. Don't rush into it too fast but get a feel for how he feels about you (be ready for the unexpected). In my case I brought up the topic and he was like I just like the fact that we are what we are, and once that was said I gradually gave him the cold shoulder. I stopped answering calls late at night and made myself unavailable. I was testing him at first because I knew deep down he had feelings for me as well, but was too "macho" to say so. Once I moved on with my life it took him about 4 months to come around. Needless to say we are now engaged and prior to the engagement we dated for 4 years. It was almost like starting over because in the process of pleasuring ourselves we never discussed the necessities such as what we like to do in our spare time. Don't get me wrong we were friends, but just with benefits and no real connection. He realized he was not the only one who was interested in me and that someone else was trying to take his place and be more than just a booty call. It took him to see me out with the guy for him to understand that I was a good catch.

I said all of this to say don't set yourself up and don't be Boo-Boo the fool. You are going to have to ask that forbidden question one day or move on. The choice is yours. If the answer works in your favor...great but if not then move on and let him be someone else's headache...good sex often comes with heartache. Now the choice is yours booty call or someone else's girl.

Peace and Blessings

keeley

What the “F”?
FWB; Friends (or Foes) with Benefits
By Keeley Smith
Relationship & Online Dating Expert and Advice Columnist

I hear from my good friends and readers from around the world alike, who are currently engaging in FWB (friends with benefits) relationships; many of them with multiple partners. OMG! If dating, in the typical sense of the term, was not hard enough? Why do these people insist on torturing themselves?

In case you are not familiar with what a FWB relationship is, allow me to break it down for you. There are generally two types of FWB scenarios; LTFWB (Long Time FWB) and JMFWB (Just Met FWB)

The LTFWB relationship is the one where the two people who are having sex have been friends for some time. They have always had this “thing”, this connection where they flirted and teased and finally one drunken night they made-out, went somewhere, took their clothes off and had sweaty, drunken sex. In most cases the sex was great, as there was so much hype before the bedding down went down, so the next morning they agree that they are going to remain friends and that the sex was a onetime thing. Then a bit later, in the near future, one calls the other and suggests having a few cocktails, one thing leads to another and some part of him finds it’s way into some part of her at some point during the night. Thusly, the start of a LTFWB relationship has commenced.

The second type, the JMFWB relationship, is as you guessed; a sexual alliance that is shared between two consenting adults who recently became acquainted and have agreed that they will not get serious or emotionally involved but will do their darndest to provide mind-blowing sex for one another.

Well, nine times out of ten, one, if not both of the people can’t deal with the limitations that a FWB relationship holds them to. In my experience, I’ve found that the man can’t handle the fact that the woman is having sex with other men and will want to try to increase his visibility in her life causing her to get pissed off and to do exactly the opposite and decrease the amount of time she shares with him. He’ll start to bitch and moan about not seeing her enough and she will eventually kick his ass to the curb. He will feel dejected and try to sleep with her friends and/or call her a slut in the places that they used to hang out.

The woman, I have discovered, tends to fall for the guy and begins to envision their future together. She will start to treat the man like a boyfriend, coddle him and eventually admit to her friends that she has fallen for him. The guy can sense it, one or two of her friends may have even told him, and though he does not want the emotional attachment from her, he will continue putting the wood to her for a while, which of course she sees as his growing closer to her; even though he is no longer interested in making her climax, it is now a hit and run situation in the bedroom. This will go on for some time, as he works on finding someone to replace her and she begins to fluff the pillow next to hers, planning on him being there more often. When he finds someone else to screw regularly, he will tell her “it just isn’t working out” and that they should remain “just friends” and her heart will be flattened like a kitten trying to cross the interstate during rush-hour. She will usually stay “friends” for a bit, offering him oral sex and opportunities to come over and “watch a movie” but eventually her gal-pals peel her away from him and life goes on.

Of course these are generalizations. Alas, life is one big one, generalization, that is. And when an anomaly manifests we (in general) will pull our heads out of the sand for a second to take a peek, just to return to the status quo. Hence, the cycle of unsuccessful relationships that everyone keeps perpetrating continues.

So, does the F in FWB really stand for friends or foes? My tireless quest to find the answers to life’s mysteries has led me to believe that the enjoyment of a FWB relationship is often directly proportionate to each member’s ability to compartmentalize their emotions. And so seldom is it that we meet someone who has exactly the same capacity for emotional compartmentalization that the idea of a FWB relationship seems ludicrous. Another actuality that has made itself obvious is that most folks never emotionally evolve past their high school years. So, by and large, no matter the age of the two willing participants, trying to pull off a sexual relationship without getting emotionally involved and consequently, having your heart handed to you on a platter, is impossible.

There is only so much I can do to help people mature psychologically; it is a journey that a person has to be ready, willing and able to embark on. So, what I can do to assist in there being less heartache in the world, is advise others not to engage in FWB type relationships unless they are certain that they want to invite into their lives the ramifications that come with one. Rejoice, whoop it up and revel with your friends, don’t have sex with them; save that for people you don’t like. Just kidding!!!

Peace and love.

XO
Keeley
Read more from Keeley at http://www.myspace.com/askkeeley

Kandyapple -- Joaquin

Yes it is possible if he is the right guy. But if he is not than u can't change them.
Here is my story. I ran into this experience myself except for the fact that I knew what it was between us cause I asked him what he wanted and it was just friends. I told him that was fine for the time bein but when I found someone that wanted more he would have to go. Well I guess he didn't think I was serious and when the time came I told him I couldn't see him anymore. He said alright. Well 2 weeks later he was callin me tellin me we needed to talk. So I did and he told me that he wanted to try and make a relationship out of this that I needed to leave the other guy. All he could do was think about me all of the time and he needed me. So I told him ok and we proceeded with it and we have been together for a little over 2 years and we have a beautiful 3 month old daughter. So the moral is it all depends on the guy. But things need to be said out in the open and everyone needs to know of what the situation and the status of the relationship is.

shgoss -- Shreveport

The friends with benefits syndrome is what it is. Don't expect more or you will be disappointed.

He's already gotten the prize, so whatelse does he have to strive for? He's "hitting" it and doesn't have to pay for dinner, movie, or offer any type of committment. In his eyes, he has it good.

What can you do to make him feel that he's missing out by not spending extra time with you?
I don't think that you can. I think he has to want to spend more time with you outside of the bedroom. You can try, but unless he's already feeling you "outside" of the bedroom, it may only push him away.

If you want more, don't continue to settle for less. There may be a time where you have to be upfront with him and be blunt and tell him you want more. If he retreats, then you know it's time for you to definately cut the rope and move on.

My advice-cut your losses now and move on. Allow yourself to meet someone who can appreciate ALL of you and not just a "piece" of you.

fabbott -- lumberton

From personal experience when you put yourself in the "booty call" relationship it is hard to turn back, but my best advise would be to back off for a while and just leave him hanging let him know you are available to others and looking, possibly try involving yourself with other guys to occupy you “free time” and absolute do not continue to give up the booty during this period, if this doesn’t make he want to be in a more defined relationship with you I don’t think anything will!
FA

bella -- ojai

I think it's possible to go from "booty call to girl friend" remember you also said there is a friendship in place. Maybe he wants to take it further too! Speak up! At least then you'll know where you stand. It could develope into a full on relationship just through time together..start with taking a risk and be intimate with him--I am not talking sex here girl. I mean the really scary intimacy..how you feel, what you are afraid of, your inner feelings. Be authentic, be real, be you. That stuff with the right guy is powerful... and if he's not the right guy you can clear the field to have space for someone more worthy.

nicole007 -- San Diego

Yes, it is--but you have to have a plan and a lot of PATIENCE. First tell him how you feel, that you like him and want more. Worst thing he can do is run. If he runs, don't run after him instead turn and walk the other way. Once it's on the table that you like him he'll start thinking about it--maybe he didn't know you liked him, maybe he thought you just wanted sex. And I promise, sometimes being vulnerable is the most empowering feeling. To be able to say "hey, I like you," takes courage and he'll recognize and respect that. Second, if he's "just not that into you" (by the way, i hate that book) he probably won't call for awhile--maybe even months. But eventually, he will contact you in some way or form because remember you were each others booty calls and men like sex and think about sex and clearly you guys had good sex since you'd been seeing each other for months. So my point is eventually he'll contact you--maybe because he likes you, or maybe because he wants to get laid, but he will contact you. At that point, you may already be way over him and dating Mr. McDreamy or someone--if so, great! If not though and you're still pining over him, here's your chance to start over and make him work for you--Dinner at the Four Seasons anyone?

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