No need to feel stupid and pathetic! Most women find it hard to get over an ex, even a bad one. Breakups are never easy and it often takes years to heal from them, sometimes three or five years… or even a lifetime! And because you haven’t met anyone great to replace your ex, all you feel is emptiness and pain: And that is normal.

Obviously you were not happy with your ex or you would not have broken up with him. He was a “buyer beware,” as we say in our book: He was never going to marry you or if he did marry you, he would not have made a good husband and father. But you don’t seem to remember any of that, just the good times. Of course, it’s human nature to romanticize the past and want “the one who got away,” the one you don’t have. Your memory is off and your mind is playing tricks on you!

We advise that the next time thoughts of your ex come up, force yourself to think of all the bad times—how he disappointed you and didn’t spend enough time with you, your family and your friends, how selfish he was, and all the other reasons you broke up with him. Think “good riddance.” Think “I deserve better.” Don’t dwell on the good times. This is going to take a lot of work. You might want to write down all his bad qualities on a piece of paper and keep it in your pocket or purse so you can remember why you broke up with him. Tell your friends to remind you as well, so when you call them up to complain that you haven’t met anyone as wonderful as your ex, they can repeat back to you why he wasn’t good for you. Form a “Bad Ex” support group!

Getting over an ex is not that different from detoxing from a substance like alcohol or drugs or excess food. You have to train your mind to think of these substances as poison, not pleasure. When you have a craving for a drink or a drug, it’s natural to think only of the fun of “getting high” and hanging with your friends at a bar on a Saturday night — not the DWIs, or getting drunk at your best friend’s wedding or missing a job interview because you had a hangover. But in order to stop yourself cold, you have to think of the negative consequences. Similarly, when you have a sweet tooth you reach for a pint or a box, forgetting that you spent the winter drowning your sorrows in Dunkin’ Donuts and now your favorite party dresses don’t fit! If you don’t want to pack on those pounds, you need to think the binge through: Ditto for getting over an ex!