1. Stay in tune. “Make sure you feel pretty confident that the other person is being heard. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Just because I’m listening to you does not mean I agree with you,” Covalt says. Listening is one of the most important things you can do in an argument.

2. Control your need to win. It’s common for us to want to win in an argument and as Covalt says, “get our licks in,” but we need to be a little more mature than that. Toler adds, “There’s too much compromising if it’s only being done by one person.” It’s more important to reach a solution you can both be happy with than to get the last word.

3. Take turns. Covalt says it’s better to speak in one to two sentences, not in paragraphs. So try and agree to follow this rule if possible.

4. Use “we” not “you.” Try to avoid attacking statements like “you’re too angry” or “you always do this,” because all it does is put the other person in a defensive position. Try and use “I” and “we” statements like “we need to calm down,” so it feels like a discussion and not an attack.

5. Stay on task. Toler stresses the importance of sticking to one argument at a time and not venting everything that’s been bothering you all at once. “If you’re arguing about a, you do not get to bring up b, c, d, and e, even though they’re still on your mind,” Toler says.

Strategy Three: Recovering when the fight is over.
1. Avoid the blame game. “Take some ownership or responsibility as it’s appropriate. Not out of guilt, or people pleasing or martyrdom or any of that, don’t let yourself get run over, just be accountable,” Covalt says.

2. Follow up. After you’ve both had some time to reflect on the argument, check in with your partner, see how he feels about the situation, if there is anything unresolved, and share how you feel as well.