Find Out What REALLY Goes on at Bachelor Parties

Continued from page 1

SM: How common are these extra-curriculars you mentioned?
DB: I would say 1 in 10, somewhere around there. But it also depends on how you define it. Is a lap dance crossing the line? Some would say yes and some no. Beyond that I would say the more intimate in nature the act the number does go down. But it does happen.

SM: Should wives be worried about their husbands going to bachelor parties?
DB: Yes and no. The strippers were saying that the guys who come with their wives’ permission are the ones who are the most well-behaved. And it’s the guys who know they shouldn’t be doing it and feel guilty that are less respectful of [the strippers.] [There are] a lot of guys with wedding rings on reaching for their boobs— a lot.

I have a somewhat controversial opinion that if a guy kisses a stripper or has some sort of sexual interaction with the stripper, while I can understand the wife not being happy about it, it’s not really about her in that moment. A lot of women may see it as ‘he doesn’t love me’ or some competition between them and the stripper, but, really, it’s a kind of fantasy space they’re in. It has nothing to do with love and emotion and commitment; it’s a completely different animal and I heard that from guys over and over – how much they love their wives and what they do in a strip club has nothing to do with them. But I can certainly understand how wives wouldn’t want that to happen.

SM: So would you recommend women trying to set up rules for bachelor parties?
DB: I think it’s worth discussing and letting him know what you feel is appropriate and is not. Will he go and play by the rules? Hopefully, but at least he knows what you’re expecting.

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Displaying comments 1 to 11 out of 11

liz88

As a long-time Savvy Miss reader, I am deeply concerned to see this thoroughly misogynyistic article published here.
This book clearly has no goal of helping women; it's aimed to glamorize men's sexist antics and make money. So why it is being lauded or publicized on a web-site for "intellectually-curious, fun-loving women" is beyond me.
I am very disturbed that this author is urging soon-to-be brides to condone their fiances so disrespecting women, not just as individuals, but as a gender (let's keep in mind that the vast majority of strippers are disenfranchised women who have not had opportunities, so they have to take their clothes off for a living. Statistically, strippers live in poverty... so why are we lauding men who exploit them?). We get totally offended when Laura Bush, a powerful woman, stands behind her husband's anti-woman decisions to try to curb women's access to birth control, abortion, and education... but standing aside while our fiances exploit women at strip clubs is in the same category.
There has been a lot of talk among the women's movement about how the reason why we are losing our rights is because we so condone the antics of men who disrespect us... George Bush and David Boyer alike.
I really like Savvy Miss, but I'm becoming more and more concerned with the kinds of articles that are being published here (the interviews with the Playboy bunnies was disturbing, as well).
Let's stop pretending that we want to be "one of the guys" and take part in exploiting women who have less than us, and try to get some respect from the men in our lives.

brownhairbabe

Personally, I want to know what goes on at bachelor parties, and I'm not going to have the naiive notion that men don't like to look at strippers, even if it is misogynistic.
The article also isn't saying women should condone this, it's saying they should talk to their partners about it and be realistic about their expectations. After reading this I talked to my boyfriend about it and we got into a discussion about strippers and their place in society and I feel like it was a very positive thing for each of us to learn where the other was coming from. Also, if you read closely, he says a lot of guys feel pressure from society to do these things. Maybe if we're more aware of them we can change that. But pretending it doesn't happen won't change anything.

MinnieSheila
Oh my gosh, this article was so crazy! My boyfriend is never going to one of these parties! I'm so glad I know what really goes on, even if it is a little scary...

9-5gurl

I agree with liz88 that condoning fiances to disrespecting women is outrageous-- well said! But I work incredibly hard hours for less money than many strippers make so I don't feel bad for them whatsoever--they may not have had opportunities as liz88 said, but I didn't either and you won't catch me giving lap dances for dollar bills. And let's not forget some even dabble in prostitution. Who's to blame, the men or the strippers? Or both?

As a woman who has male friends (and boyfriends) who have gone to strip clubs it's nice to hear what really goes on so I appreciate the article and the authors candor, thanks!

lily -- Los Angeles

I agree. I am really curious what goes on at Bachelor Parties. I would not want my boyfriend to go, but I trust him enough that he won't be one of the "one in ten" that participates in "extra-curriculars." And I don't think that men's actions there should be justified as "living out a fantasy." It's unexceptionable really, but it is interesting to see how a guy can justify this. But do you ladies think that strippers will ever stop stripping? I have friends that turned to stripping that came from middle class neighborhoods. They describe what they do for a living as "taking advantage of guys." Is this ever the case?

Betsy -- Torrance
I think knowing about what happens isn't the same thing as condoning it. I would never want my future finance to have a stripper, but if he does, I would want to know what goes on.

uptownbaby

It's really unfortunate that David seems to suggest that men should be given more opportunities to bond, even if it is exploitative or comes at the expense of women. Despite it being disturbing to read, I think it's important to hear what really goes on and understand what's behind the "tradition." I certainly don't think Savvy Miss is condoning or agreeing with David, but I do think they did a good job in giving the real scoop, even if it squashes our hope that men don't really act or think like this :( I would rather know the truth and deal with it.

liz88

Great discussion! I'm so glad this fueled a dialog.
First and foremost, don't get me wrong: I LOVE Savvy Miss and think it's a really important and necessary web-site and I hope it grows to be the new Glamour or Vanity Fair.
But I think the problem with this article is that this book wasn't written for women... it was written for men, and from the authors' tone, it sounds like is a machismo-congratulating kind of article and I don't think that the author deserves any kudos, because I really doubt his goal is to inform women about the sordid endeavors of bachelor parties.
As a women's studies major (I'll be a junior at Mount Holyoke this fall), I personally just see this book as expanding the perceived schism between women and men, which, in the opinion of many feminists is what creates communication problems between men and women and promotes sexism.
However, in any context, perhaps it was okay that this article was published, because it sparked so much important dialog among readers.

judjudy

I'm going to say what I think... liz88 the article was to give women information on what happens at bachelor parties (if you read the title I think you would notice that) anyway the author is giving the information on- like what the title says- what happens, not to sugar-coat it. Were all allowed to express our opinions but, in my opinion the person who wrote this article took alot of time to write it and don't say rude things because it's rude and how would you feel if somebody said annoying and disrespectul things about an article you took along time to write? So keep your rude opinions to yourself because you never knows whose family members you are saying rude things about.

9-5gurl

I appreciate knowing that I can be sexy and turn on a man, I really do, it's empowering to feel sexy and attractive and desired. But I don't do it for dollars.

Again ladies, who is to blame? Is it the strippers, or the men?

I love what lily said about her friends who were strippers who think they're "taking advantage of guys"-- it really made me think about the whole thing. I've always looked down on strippers and equally on men who support (give dollar bills, etc) to strippers. I appreciate knowing what goes on with men & strippers -- scares the crap out of me, but still...who's to blame? If there weren't any men who paid strippers there wouldn't be any strippers...if there weren't any strippers, there wouldn't be men to engage in these acts...tough call, but either way I don't support either especially when it involves a man who is either engaged or married...bottom line, engaging with a stripper is cheating...it isn't some exception to the rule like "it was a stripper so i didn't cheat" and for strippers "he had a ring on but i was being paid so it was business" -- that's terrible and disgusting.

I'm a feminist, but I've done strip clubs (male and female) and of course the male one's are much more about laughing at his speedos than being turned on, but I'm a realist, people go to strip clubs, it happens.

Ideally I would love a love life where no man I know would go to a strip club but unfortunately if that happened he'd probably turn out to be gay...because men do go to strip clubs and I just most of all am relieved to hear (although disgusted) of what really happens...so thanks.

And again ladies, let's decide once and for all, who is to blame: is it the men we love, or the strippers, or both -- I'm going with both!

nikkita

No religion condones adultery or porn, and it is not humane or normal for men to want to look at a bunch of naked women after they have found someone they say they love. Trust is not the issue!!! Stop using that as a god damn example, its not whether or not they will do something, get that around your head. it’s the fact that they will go along with it and don’t mind/enjoy watching naked women lick whipped cream off another naked womens breasts, or other sexual things, while after that they go home to their wife/spouse/partner and tell them they love them and are so happy to be with them. I think the saying is “have your cake and eat it too" ? Right??…What would the world be like if everyone thought this way, the way these people do! Thinking that going to strip clubs and private stripper parties where women strip down to literally nothing while playing with themselves obscenely and asking the audience to participate, is a normal thing to do. The whole entire world would be infected with std’s, alone, unhappy, and mentally disturbed. Its so immoral and unethical. don’t listen to any guy that says it natural and healthy to do this. That is a sick way of thinking and the men saying these things will never be happy in their lives. If they say they are happy now, ask them at the end of their lives if they still are. They will be alone. Society has always been based on monogamy. Another thing is that yes men are very visual and have a high sex drive this does not mean that it is ok to go to strip clubs, get lap dances and watch porn, when they are married or in a relationship!…thats what they tell you, so that you think its ok...bachelor parities with strippers and whipped cream and sex toys are parties that single men (men that do not have a partner or men that are not in a relationship) could be condoned for doing. But might I add why do you think men want to keep these things from their partner or spouse because its normal and humane and healthy?…no…because they know its dirty. Its dirty, it feels wrong and sinful and that why men find it sexy. Because they can completely forget about all their morals and self respect and use testosterone and sex drive as a nice excuse. They are giving themselves an excuse!! it’s a cop out and a way to make women believe it is normal and ok to want to look at hundreds of different women. It perverted and wrong. The point is to find someone you are attracted to, to love and give everything to. To fantasize about them and fulfill all of your sexual fantasizes together. many people's views on this subject are very distorted and crude. How and when did it become socially acceptable to want to go and look at a bunch of different women shake their ass in your face or rub their privates all over you while in a relationship?? Recently…there are millions of guys on the face of this earth who will not try to feed you with bullshit, like its normal, its no big deal, don’t be so insecure…its not insecurity!. .women who arent even in a relationship feel this way…because there are underlying aspects that are obviously vulgar and perverted… Please if you have a guy in your life that tries to convince you that its normal save yourself the trouble for later on down the road and dump him now.. You will have many problems later on in your life trust me.

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