It got to be February 14. I gave him a card and one of those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate. He gave me nothing. I was crushed and I told him so. And for my birthday that year, he gave me something I’d always wanted, which, naturally, he knew I’d always wanted because I had told him.

In the parallel universe, I would have dumped him after that first birthday. Which would have been a very sad and foolish thing to do.

But what if the man is a keeper but his gifts are the pits?

You gotta tell him, but you can’t say something like, “What the hell is this? You call this a present?” How about this as an alternative:

“You know, I realize giving me a duck call must have seemed like a really good idea at the time. But, honey, I’ve never hunted duck and the chances that I’m ever going to hunt duck are pretty much nil. So, next time you’re thinking of buying me a present, keep this one word in mind: lingerie.”

Reprinted with permission from The Inner Bitch Guide to Men, Relationships, Dating, Etc. by Elizabeth Hilts. Published by Sourcebooks, copyright 2004.