7. Go slowly. Give yourselves time to discover your limits and your needs. If either you or your partner is feeling hurt or uncomfortable, it’s time to create a new rule.

8. Make sure both you and your partner are getting your needs met. Ask yourself, “What is best for me, my partner, and my relationship?” If you fancy someone and want to play one-on-one with them, but it makes your partner uncomfortable, then, obviously, playing with them would not be best for your partner or your relationship. Don’t do it. On the other hand, if you want to go to a sex workshop that you feel is important for your personal self-development and your partner feels threatened, you may decide that you will attend the workshop anyway. If you have demonstrated that you are honest, honorable, reliable and trustworthy in your other agreements around sex and groups, it is likely that your partner will be able to accept your decision.

Reprinted with permission from Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-first Century by Barbara Carrellas, © 2007, Ten Speed Press.