When a Savvy Miss member had the following question we turned to Dr. Joy Davidson for her expert opinion.

I was molested as a child. Now, twenty years later, I enjoy sex but still cannot give or receive oral sex. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and he’s been understanding and patient, but he continues to try to give me oral sex and I continue to be uncomfortable. I want to get over what happened and to be able to enjoy oral sex like everyone else, but I don’t know how. Is there anything I can do, or anything we can do as a couple, to help me enjoy oral sex?

Let me tell you a little secret: Some women love nothing better than oral sex, and some think it’s rather tame and dull. Nowhere is it written that you “should” love it. In fact, focusing so intently on oral may be creating a pressure that is getting in the way of enjoying it. My advice is to give the whole oral struggle a rest and move on to new and different erotic glories. Your boyfriend especially needs to back way off, because his insistence is a big part of the problem.

Sexual molestation is always more about power than sex. The abuser has power; his victim doesn’t. When you grit your teeth while your boyfriend goes down on you, you’re letting him appropriate more power over your body than he is entitled to possess. And isn’t that what your abuser did? Good grief, it’s no wonder you’re uncomfortable! So, the first thing you want to do differently is tell your B.F. to quit the tongue action unless you specifically request it. If he genuinely cares about helping you heal, he’ll put his ego on the shelf and play by your rules — which also apply to you going down on him. Owning your body and your sexual choices is absolutely critical. When you let somebody else co-opt them, you send yourself spinning into a time warp where you feel abused all over again.