Why is sex such an issue then?
If buddy marriages experience a greater sense of commitment and intimacy, shouldn’t the sex be great as well? Schwartz explains, “Traditional sexual tension is anchored on difference; male leadership and control of sex is regarded as inherently erotic. The man’s power and status over the woman turns them both on.”*

Not exactly what we want to hear.

“We share so much in our relationship, but I can’t help thinking that that’s what makes having sex with him difficult,” says Elizabeth, a buddy in a 2-year-old marriage. “I hate to say it, but it feels weird for me, like I’m trying to have sex with my brother.”   

Schwartz adds that because buddy couples place such an emphasis on friendship and feel fulfilled in other areas of their relationship, sex tends to fall to the wayside. They feel they do not need sex to get their emotional needs met, unlike traditional marriages that tend to lack intimacy everywhere else except the bedroom.

So how do buddy marriages overcome the sex obstacle?
The challenge for buddy couples is to take the “buddy mantle” off when it comes to sex. Does that mean reverting to a role-playing marriage to keep passion alive? Not exactly.  “New personas need to be invented in bed that are different than best friends,” Schwartz says. “They have to take a break from the negotiated partnership and from the communal self.”*

So while having a role-playing marriage may not be the most gratifying answer to keep the spark alive, role-playing in the bedroom can be. Schwartz says, “Peer marriages can make their sex lives more different than their regular lives by creating a fantasy life that plays with inequality and creates a sexual life that is exciting and not a replication of every day life.” This can mean sexual getaways, putting on costumes and playing out individual fantasies as well as trying new things sexually.