threesomes, Nina Hartley

When a Savvy Miss member asked the following question, we turned to author and sexual educator Nina Hartley for her expert opinion.

My friend and I have been toying with the idea of having a threesome with a man (we're both women). She's done it a few times and swears I'll love it. I'm curious, but not necessarily eager. However, if some night we happen to find the right guy and I'm in the right mood, I want to know how to do my part. Any advice about what I should expect from a threesome? Is there anything I absolutely should or should not do? I'm much better in bed when I feel confident, but confidence usually comes with experience, so any advice on threesomes will help.

Congratulations on being open-minded enough to contemplate something as radical as a three-way encounter. Your first attempt may be awkward, as first attempts often are. Don't be too hard on yourself, as you're not an expert and shouldn't be expected to perform like one. Prepare to be surprised and to learn things about yourself and your friend that you didn't know before, some good and some not. If self-awareness is not a goal of yours, this is not the activity for you. DO NOT drink to cover whatever shyness or hesitation you may feel. If you can't do this essentially sober, you're just not ready, no matter what anyone else says.

My question to you is: Do you really want to do this? Just because your friend has done it and liked it, doesn't mean that you will. The only reason to attempt any unconventional sexual activity is its native appeal to you. Unless and until that's the case, pass for now, no matter how fervently your friend reassures you that you'll enjoy it. Threesomes only work if the feelings between the two women are genuinely warm, accepting and supportive. If you prefer your sex intimate and romantic as opposed to casual and adventurous, threesomes may not be for you and nothing anyone says will change that.