Did you see that Jennifer Lopez movie where she flips out after her college-educated, emotionally-available, all-around great boyfriend pops the question? No, and you probably never will.

In movies and books (where the modern girl goes for a dose of old-fashioned romance), leading ladies only panic when they’re with the wrong guy. In real life, however, women panic all the time when it comes to marriage and commitment—even when they’re with the right guy.

 “This is not a Hollywood transition,” says Allison Moir-Smith, engagement counselor and author of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life. “You’re redefining your life,” she says. You and your soon-to-be husband are making bigger joint decisions, you’re making a change from independent to interdependent, you’re feeling a change in your family relationships and friendships, and you’re also planning a wedding.

As Moir-Smith explains, “It’s a tremendous time of inner turmoil.”

Fear of turning into Mrs. Interdependent.
Vicky, a 37-year-old chemist in Connecticut has been engaged for nearly three years and refuses to marry until a few key issues are worked out, namely her new name. “My fiancé is old-fashioned and he wants me to take his last name. I don’t want to do that: It’s a pain in the ass. I’m known in the industry by my last name. It’s gotten me very far in life and I like it. Why should I take his name? He’s not taking mine.”

Vicky says her autonomy is important. In truth, she says, “I don’t need him. I want him. There’s a difference between needing and wanting. I hate to put it into a business perspective, but he has an added value in my life.”