Did you see that Jennifer Lopez movie where she flips out after her college-educated, emotionally-available, all-around great boyfriend pops the question? No, and you probably never will.

In movies and books (where the modern girl goes for a dose of old-fashioned romance), leading ladies only panic when they’re with the wrong guy. In real life, however, women panic all the time when it comes to marriage and commitment—even when they’re with the right guy.

 “This is not a Hollywood transition,” says Allison Moir-Smith, engagement counselor and author of Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life. “You’re redefining your life,” she says. You and your soon-to-be husband are making bigger joint decisions, you’re making a change from independent to interdependent, you’re feeling a change in your family relationships and friendships, and you’re also planning a wedding.