I wanted to share this true story for possible inspiration for other women who went through what I did (a fairly common experience, i'm told!) My ex cheated on me AND tried to victimize me further by trying to stop me from taking part in an activity that gave me strength and confidence. But I refused to let him victimize me further, and ultimately turned the tables on him and showed him a woman can be strong both emotionally AND physically. It's a long story, but one that I hope will remind women that they don't have to submit to men who would control them in mind and/or body.

First of all, my ex should have known how good he had it. I'm 24, blond, 5'9" tall  and about 125 lbs. I'm  very pretty and I get a LOT of attention from
guys, but I was always loyal to my BF. We had been dating about a
year when he decided he wanted to learn a martial art and take judo
classes. We had been talking about doing more things together since
we had different work schedules and didn;t see each other as much as
we wanted to.

I thought judo would be great for me, too. I've never been especially
athletic and it wouldn't hurt to know how to defend myself, plus it's
something we could do together, so i said I would take classes with
him, thinking he'd be all for it (I also said it would be fun & sexy
to "spar" together outside of class). But he was less than thrilled.
He said "you'll just hurt yourself; you're too skinny; I don't want
you grappling around w/other guys in class...)...all these excuses he
could think of to get me NOT to take the classes with him. But the
more he protested the more I wanted to do it. I resented his
classifying me as "weak and fragile."

Yes, i'm a "girly-girl" in that I like to wear my hair long and like
nice clothes & shopping, etc. But even though i'm not a
traditional "jock" I do work hard to keep my figure...I've always
gone to the gym to lift light weights and keep myself toned and I run
at least 3 miles almost every day so I'm well-conditioned. So i
said "well, it's not your decision...i'm going to take the classes
and i'm sure i'll be sparring w/other girls so don't worry about the
guy thing." He said "fine, whatever...you won;t last past the first
hard work out anyway."

This was around the time things started to go bad for us.

He avoided talking to me in class, and would almost pretend like he
didn't know me. It turns out there were only 3 other girls in the
class, and about 10 guys, so i did have to work on moves and
techniques w/some other guys in workouts but it was no big deal.
Everyone did it and accepted it. But my BF was becoming increasingly
distant and seemed resentful that i was taking the classes.

After a few weeks in I also started to realize that I had a knack for
judo. Our sensei was continually complimenting me on my technique and
I learned a lot of the throws quickly. By contrast he often had to
correct my BF for sloppy technique and admonished him not to "rush
everything", as he seemed to have little patience for learning the
intricacies of the moves and throws.

He also had trouble getting through the workouts, which were pretty
brutal. We did a lot of running and push-ups and an especially
gruelling bit where we had to lie on our stomachs and drag ourselves
across the full length of the mat using only our fore-arms--no legs
allowed, and by the time we got to the end we were all gasping for
air. But my jogging had me well-conditioned and even though it took
me a long time to get across the mat, I noticed there were a number
of times when my BF couldn't even make it across. He had to stop
halfway, and as punishment he had to run extra laps, which often
ended w/him walking and holding his sides in obvious pain. He, of
course, knew I had made it across the mat, and it infuriated him.
After class he was always angry and sullen and would lash out at me
at even the slightest thing I said. I never said anything mean or
mentioned the mat exercise, but even something like "want to grab a
pizza?" would be met w/a cutting remark or a sullen "No, i'm tired.
I'm going home." (We lived in separate apartments at the time).

So even though we were taking judo together once a week we started
seeing even less of each other. When we first started we would almost
always go to one of our places together after and spend the night,
but then that ended. He would always drop me off at my place and
drive off. The other nights of the week, too, he would always be out
if I called, and when I'd ask him the next day where he'd been he'd
say "are you checking up on me? don't be such a clingy bitch" and a
few times he was so mean I was brought to tears. I just couldn't
understand why he was being so cruel to me.

Then it became obvious when a friend of mine told me she had seen him
out at a bar making out with some girl, and leaving with her shortly
after. At first I was devastated and didn't know what to do. I cried
a lot before finally confronting him and he just denied it, but his
behavior didn't change, and eventually i found a bra in his apartment
and then he confessed.

Turns out he'd been sleeping with this girl for weeks while we were
going out. A number of times he even went right to her place after
dropping me off after judo class. When I asked him why, he said I had
it coming  because I was "crowding him" by taking judo with him when
it was "his thing" and that the girl he was screwing understands that
it's not feminine to do things like martial arts and I should have
listened to him when he told me not to take the classes. He said it
was my own fault, and he said I should drop the classes now that we
would be breaking up because it would be too "awkward" to see each
other once a week there.

I was too stunned to say anything at the time and just ran out,
crying. The days leading up to the next class were excrutiating. I
did think about quitting and just forgetting the whole thing but then
I got angry and realized if anyone should quit, it should be him! I
resolved to show up and stick with it whether he liked it or not.

The next class he looked surprised--and not very happy--to see me,
but said nothing. The next day he called me and said "what do you
think you're doing? If I were you I'd drop out  out of the class like
I said." I told him I had no intention of doing so, and added, with
some satisfaction "If I were you, I'd work on my conditioning so I
could get all the way across the mat for once", and hung up.

So now there was clearly a LOT of tension between us. We'd show up at
class and say not a word to each other, but every now and then I'd
see him looking over my way, looking really angry that I was there.
The other judo players knew we'd been going out and now were quits so
there was this weird vibe hanging there.

Then his new girl friend started showing up near the end of classes.
She was a little pixie of a thing...pretty enough, but the kind of
giggly little air head he clearly wanted ME to be. He would make a
display of coming over after workouts were done, and lifting her over
his shoulder and spinning her around and she would scream and laugh
and be like "you're so strong!" and the rest of us would just roll
our eyes but say nothing. At any rate, he was obviously trying to get
under my skin, and I resolved to bide my time because I had an idea,
and with a little help from my sensei, I knew it would be the best
revenge.

We were nearing the end of our session of classes and we were having
an in-class tournament before taking our tests to earn the next belt
level. There were 4 of us girls and we were to face each other and
the boys would take on each other--with various belt levels matched
up (newbies like us would fight each other; the more advanced yellow
& green belts would fight each other, etc.), but a week or so earlier
one of the girls had injured herlself in class and wouldn't be able
to compete.

So now there was an uneven number of girls, and the plan was to have
the 3 of us compete round-robin, but I went to the sensei after class
and said "I would like the opportunity to enter the boys' tournament.
There are an uneven number of white belts on the guys' side so i
could even that out, and I think I can compete. Karen and Suzie (the
other 2 girls) are OK with that and are happy to fight each
other...and they also think I can do it."

My sensei was a great guy. He never said much but he was very
supportive of me, and he knew what i was getting at w/out me having
to say it. He just smiled and said "You really think you can do
this?" And I said "Yes." And he said "I think you can, too." There
were only 3 boys that were white belts, including my ex, and I had no
doubt which one I would be assigned to fight.

The day of the tournament the higher belts went first and we all
watched, cheering and applauding at the well-executed throws and
pins. My ex had no idea what was about to happen because as far as he
knew the girls would all be fighting each other, so when the sensei
called "Michael" and then "Sarah", I relished the sight of his utter
surprise. Then he looked mad and said "what? why am I fighting HER?"
and sensei just said "Sarah is a white belt, as are you. She is
competing in that capacity, nothing more. If you refuse to fight you
will lose by forfeit."

Everyone was watching, and he couldn't back down. I just stood there,
pulling my long hair back into a ponytail to get ready, enjoying his
discomfort. He shot me a look that was pure fury, and I tried hard
not to let it get to me.

The reality was we were the same height at 5'9", but while I was 125
lbs., he was probably about 160 or 170, a significant weight
advantage. And i knew he was stronger. I would have to rely on my
technique, quickness, smarts, and especially my stamina. I knew I was
a better conditioned athlete than him, and if I could make the match
long enough to tire him out and neutralize his strength advantage, I
knew I could take him.

The match began, and the whole class was clearly in my corner. I
heard a lot of encouragement...'C'mon, Sarah", "You can do it", and
the like. I was the underdog, after all, but they also knew what a
bastard he'd been to me, and they also didn't appreciate his showing
off in front of his stupid little girlfriend.

We circled each other slowly, no one making a move at first. Then he
moved in, trying to get the first grip on my uniform (gi), but i was
able to bat his hand away and grab the left fold of his gi first, and
I set my feet. He immediately tried to push against me but he didn't
have a good grip and I let my upper body go a little slack to bring
his momentum forward. He thought he was pushing me over but i was
setting him up.

As his left leg came forward I twisted my hips, kept my left leg
firmly planted and whipped my right leg behind his left one, just
behind the knee, and drew it back sharply while keeping hold of his
gi and letting his weight come forward. I felt his leg lift away and
I pushed hard on his shoulder where I held his gi and then let go,
and he went down hard on his back.

I heard a cheer go up from the others...someone said "Wow!" and
sensei yelled "point!" and pointed to me. Even though I could have
followed the throw and tried to pin him, I knew it would have been a
mistake. If i got into a floor fight with him this early in the match
he'd probably just roll his weight on top of me and I'd be in real
trouble. So I backed off and waited for him to get up, which was
pretty sweet because I got to see how red his face was and how
frustrated he looked already!

He came at me really hard after that, his anger at being thrown by a
girl driving him. This was good news/bad news for me. Good news
because he was being stupid, charging ahead trying to beat me with
brute force rather than executing proper moves; bad because i had to
try and hold off a stronger opponent.

I dipped and moved side to side as much as possible, keeping my feet
moving and just trying to keep him from getting a hold of my gi. He
was basically chasing me around the mat trying to get a hold, and
that was great because it was draining him, but sensei said I would
be penalized a point if I didn't engage--I had to stop running and
fight.

So I held my ground and tried my best not to let him overpower me.
Luckily i had led him on enough of a chase that, combined with the
throw and effort it took him to get back to his feet, he was
definitely more winded than when we started, and I could hear his
breathing getting more and more labored. I could also tell he didn't
have as much arm strength. We had a grip on each others' gi and he
was trying to force me to the mat by pushing around my shoulders.
This was knocking me off balance a little and I couldn't get set for
a leg sweep, but he was just trying to push me over, without using
his own legs for a sweep (this is where his sloppy technique hurt
him; he always short-cut around learning the moves properly, opting
for a more brute wrestling style, and he would pay for it now).

He continued to do this kind of push-and-lift around my shoulders,
and because we were deeper into the match now he didn't have the full
strength to knock me over this way. I just kept stepping backward
each time he pushed and re-setting my feet, and then he went for a
full-on massive push, clearly frustrated that he hadn't knocked me
over yet.

He lifted as hard as he could and let out a massive grunt doing so
and I felt myself being lifted off the mat. He then went to throw me
and just in time I got my left leg down, trying to brace it as hard
as I could while absorbing the push downward. My right leg was still
in the air so I was holding for dear life like a flamingo hoping he
wouldn't try to take out my standing leg but then I felt his push
weaken and his grip on my gi loosened as he exhaled from the effort.
I got my right foot back down and was still standing, while he was
trying to recover and hold my gi all the while.

I knew I had an instant to act but this was the time. I brought my
left hand under and up and grabbed hold of his wrist where he had my
gi and pressured it just enough to get him to let go. Then in one
fluid motion I backed my body away and brought my right hand over to
also grab his wrist and I twisted my whole body as hard and fast as I
could while keeping a tight hold on his wrist. He knew what I was
trying to do and tried to grab hold of my arm before I could complete
the move but he was too slow and his body went sideways as he tried
to keep his balance. I was hoping to follow all the way through and
lift him off his feet with the wrist throw, but he kept his footing--
just barely. But he was bent backwards like someone trying to get
under a limbo bar and I moved in, kicked out his left foot and--wham!-
-he was down again.

Another big yell went up and sensei yelled "point!' again, but I was
still reluctant to get on the mat with him. I deciced to watch
instead and see how quickly he was able to get up.

That's when i knew I really had him. He was breathing heavily and
crawled to all fours before trying to get back up. I kept my distance
and waited til he was halfway up, letting him think he had time to
recover. But just before he got completely to his feet I moved in as
fast as I could and when he was up, i immediately grabbed his gi,
notched my leg behind his knee and drew back fast and hard, pushing
down with my arms as hard as I could.

He never had a chance. And this time I kept my own body going
forward.I slammed him down on the mat as hard as I could and the wind
got knocked right out of him. I was well on top of him now and
immediately moved for a pin. First i locked my leg on top of his so
he couldn't push off with it, and then went to work on his shoulders,
putting as much of my upper body weight as was there onto his upper
torso, with a tight lock grip around one arm, and I just held on as
tight as I could.

There was an unbelievable yelling and cheering from the rest of the
class...I could hear "Stay on him, Sarah!", and "Don't let up,
Sarah!" and the other girls were the loudest of all!

Meanwhile, the ex was making these desperate grunting noises,
straining and trying in vain to get out of the pin, but he had
nothing left--at this point I was basically stronger than he was, and
his pathetic attempts to move me off him resulted in nothing more
than him moving us a slight inch to the right or left. It was a good
45 seconds of this and if he had any brains at all he would have
tapped out to end the match, but he kept trying, unable to admit
defeat to a girl.

The shouting from the sidelines continued and since I already had my
head up around his, I said softly into his ear "I warned you to work
on your conditioning", which resulted in a kind of combination
whining/grunting as he tried to release whatever strength he had left
in outrage, but it was so over.

The sensei called the match for time and I quickly got off him.
Everyone was standing and clapping and I soaked it all in. My ex lay
on the mat on his back, his chest heaving for air. As he started to
sit up, I went for the full effect of humiliation. I made a big
display of undoing my ponytail and shaking out my long hair. Then I
bent forward and flipped it back, a la "Charlie's Angels" and
gathered it up again, and re-tied it.

When my ex got to his feet he was unsteady, sweating heavily through
his gi, and his face was beet red. His eyes looked wild and I think
he was just about on the verge of tears.

But just when I thought my revenge couldn't get any better, it did.
He started to skulk away, and the sensei angrily called him back to
the mat. "Show respect to the opponent who defeated you!", he yelled,
reminding my ex that he was required to bow following the match. (As
was I).

He couldn't look me in the eye as we stood in front of each other,
but I think he caught a glimpse of my smile as I bowed. He bent down
and started to walk off the mat, and then--oh, how i LOVE this
moment, an even more delicious scene--his little pixie girlfriend, it
turns out, had been watching the whole time! And she had this look of
utter horror on her face!!

She had just watched her "big, strong boyfriend" get his ass kicked
by a pretty blond girl, his ex-girlfriend at that. She didn't go over
to comfort him....in fact she looked like she wanted nothing to do
with him at all. She just stared at her feet as he walked by her and
went off to the showers.

Meanwhile, I received congratulations from the class and sensei, who
gave me a little wink, as I silently mouthed "thank you".

My ex never returned to class, never took his belt test. A few months
later I heard from a friend that his girlfriend had broken up with
him (not a very sympathetic little pixie, I guess), and I like to
think it had something to do with that day when I took revenge on my
cheating , sexist, ex-boyfriend on the judo mat.

Sarah